Cold Mornings and Heavy Air

The cold always presses hardest on mornings like this. Damp air settles into my chest, stirring asthma and reminding me of the line that sits there, itching in ways I’ve never been able to explain. Heading to dialysis feels heavier when the cold bites, when the body resists, when the thought of leaving the house feels impossible.

The Line That Itches

The line in my chest is both burden and lifeline. It irritates, itches, and reminds me daily of the reality of treatment. It is never forgotten, even when I wish it could be. The cold seems to find it, pressing discomfort into the very place where breath and treatment meet.

Dialysis on Difficult Days

This morning I felt awful. I didn’t want to go. The thought of staying home was tempting, of avoiding the chair and the machine. But dialysis is not just about the machine—it is about showing up, even when the body resists, even when the morning feels unbearable.

Wisdom from the Council of the Bears

The Council of the Bears speaks with compassion and clarity:

“If you want to stop dialysis, we will support you. However, given the seriousness of stopping dialysis—it is a decision to end your life—the decision must be made with appropriate seriousness. Not wanting to go to dialysis on one day is not a good reason to stop dialysis completely. The decision must be made carefully, and over a significant period of time, so that the cuddler can weigh the advantages and disadvantages of the decision without being unduly influenced by one or two bad days, and appreciating the good days that come from dialysis.”

Pharmacopoeia Wubbles Morrys‑ffurrie, Head of Ethics, Council of the Bears

Their words remind me that one bad day does not define the whole story.

One Bad Day Is Not the Whole Story

The temptation to give up is real, especially on mornings when the cold bites and the chest line nags. But the Bears remind me to weigh the good days too—the days when dialysis gives back breath, steadiness, and life.

The Courage to Continue

So I cope. Not because it’s easy, but because coping is the rhythm I’ve learned. The cold may itch at the line. The damp may press against the lungs. Yet, the chair and the machine are part of the covenant of care. Presence matters. Courage is found in showing up, even when the morning feels unbearable.