As a dedicated volunteer with St John Ambulance, I have spent countless hours drilling the sacred tenets of emergency medical response. I know the standard protocols inside and out. If you collapse in front of me, my brain immediately hits the default sequence:

DrABC—Danger, Response, Airway, Breathing, Circulation. It is clinical, it is standardized, and it saves lives.

However, after years of observation, my husband has officially concluded that standard NHS textbooks do not apply to my specific anatomy.

In the interest of public safety and clinical accuracy, he has officially drafted an alternative, bespoke First Aid Directive specifically for me. If you ever find me unresponsive on the floor, please tear up your St John manuals and follow these instructions immediately.

The Modified Michael Triage Protocol

 1. Locate the Patient: Find Michael prone on the floor. Do not panic. Do not look for a pulse.

 2. Bypass Standard Procedures: Completely ignore the “R” for Response. Do not shake my shoulders. Do not shout, “Are you alright?” into my ear. It’s a waste of valuable energy.

 3. Deploy the Catalyst: Immediately scan the immediate vicinity for a cute lad, preferably a Dublin tradie in a high-vis jacket and work boots, or a uniformed man.

 4. The Fly-By: Direct said lad to walk briskly past my seemingly lifeless body.

The Diagnostic Matrix

Once the catalyst has been deployed, observe the patient closely for the following clinical indicators:

Scenario A (Positive Response): The patient exhibits a faint fluttering of the eyelids, a subtle alignment of the jawline, or an instinctive, unconscious attempt to flirt.

Clinical Verdict: The patient is perfectly fine. He is simply resting or being dramatic. Clear the area.

 Scenario B (Negative Response): A premium-grade, fit workie walks directly through the patient’s field of vision, and there is absolutely zero neurological activity, eye-tracking, or posture shifting.

Clinical Verdict: The situation is critical. If Michael fails to appreciate a man in high-vis, he has officially been dead for at least thirty minutes. Call for backup. 

True Love is a Custom Triage

They say that marriage is about deep understanding, but I think true love is when your spouse can accurately pinpoint the exact aesthetic stimulus required to jumpstart your central nervous system.

So, to my fellow St John Ambulance colleagues: I apologize if this complicates the training manuals. But if I ever go down at a public event, skip the defibrillator pads. Just look for the nearest scaffolding crew.