St Swithun’s day if thou dost rain
For forty days it will remain
St Swithun’s day if thou be fair
For forty days ’twill rain na mair

Raining in Belfast

And so as normal, on July 15, it is raining. Let’s hope that the traditional rhyme doesn’t apply in this ecclesiastical Province of Armagh but only in that of Canterbury. Or maybe it only applies in the diocese of Winchester where St Swithun lived, worked, and was buried.

Long time.. no post

It has indeed been quite a while since last I posted to this blog. This has been because of a number of reasons.
1. I was away on holiday for about a week and enjoyed the company of several friends, a cousin, and myself.
2. I have been offline at home for quite some time and not really found the motivation to come back on here and post.
3. I have been concentrating on getting my house tidy. (OK so I am trying to get it tidy – trying and making some progress – but not as much as some friends would like!)

The last few weeks have seen a return to some of the basic problems.

Diarrhoea

The Diarrhoea problem has returned. Almost without fail, when I wake up, I have to run to the toilet. And again in the evening as I prepare to head to bed I find myself needing to go once more. Often it is just as I am in bed that I find I have to get up.

Adherence

In the last month I have been very very bad at taking my medication. It is easy whenever there is someone else around – I remember and indeed am reminded by them to take my medication. At other times it is well nigh impossible for me to motivate myself to take the meds.

Food

Food is still a major problem, but it is interconnected with the state of my house and my kitchen in particular. When the kitchen is relatively tidy, I am more able to cook. But when I find it difficult to motivate myself to tidy the kitchen, my cooking goes out the window. Strange as it may seem, I seem to survive on not terribly much. Food count for the last 24 hours: banana and toast, at lunchtime yesterday, a small box of salt and vinegar Pringles last night, a banana this morning, and for lunch today tuna sandwich and pineapple. Not much you say – but about as much as I can make myself eat.

Support networks

I do count myself lucky that I have the local support centre for those living with HIV at hand, and they have been very good to me over the last few months.

I have a number of friends who have also been very kind, sometimes cooking me a meal, making sure I have taken my meds, making sure I am not on my own for long periods of time.

Other friends who are further afield have been great as well.

But I still feel down, which is why I have been to see my GP and he is going to prescribe me some anti-depressants. I am not convinced that they will work and I know that I have had some bad reactions to them in the past – at least as I saw no real benefit I ended up taking an overdose of them in 2003 as a cry for help. I don’t think that I will do that this time.

House Tidy

I have been working at sorting out my house for the last few months, a couple of friends have offered to come and assist – and whilst I am grateful for their assistance it does sometimes feel like I am being railroaded into their version of tidiness and what I need to keep and what I can throw out.

I know that I really do have far too much stuff in my house, but it is my stuff and it is taking me all my time to get rid of it. It feels like friends will just come in and throw away what appears not to be needed by them – and whilst this may be helpful in the short term in that the house will be tidy – I am not convinced that it will reassure me that I have done the right thing. Thirty-one years of life collected up in one house is rather a lot of stuff, but it is my life.

Today was meant to be the day that one of them came round to help, but I put it off to tomorrow so I could help out another friend, but now as tomorrow draws closer I really feel like I could just run and hide as I know that I will feel not only disgusted with myself for having let the house get in the state it is in, but disappointed that I have failed to get it sorted more quickly. But I do know that there are reasons why, and the main ones are my mood post diagnosis, and my lack of motivation and tiredness thanks to my medication. Maybe tomorrow there will be an update. What it will be I do not know. Until tomorrow… and hopefully it won’t rain!